3 ways to move from financial scarcity to security — and turn struggles into strengths

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Q: In terms of money, my boyfriend and I grew up in very similar families. As kids a lot of our wishes were fulfilled and we worked part time in the later years of high school to earn our spending money. As young adults, however, our paths diverged. I went to university and he got married. His ex-wife became ill and he struggled for years to put food on the table for his kids, where I was able to afford what I needed and built up my savings. We have started talking about moving in together, but my boyfriend’s 25 years of scrimping have led to some money and lifestyle choices that I find difficult to deal with. How do we start to bridge the gaps? ~Anita 

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A: Understanding your partner’s financial background can offer valuable insights into their habits, behaviours, and attitudes toward money. Many individuals who have experienced financial struggles develop unique coping mechanisms and a resourcefulness that persist even after their financial situation improves. These subtle signs can be revealed in various aspects of life, from food habits to spending patterns. Just as you observe your partner’s habits, they likely notice yours as well. This awareness presents an opportunity for open and honest conversations, as your partner might also have concerns about your money behaviours. Recognizing each other’s habits and money management styles, along with ongoing communication, can foster empathy and understanding, ultimately helping to build a stronger, more supportive relationship.

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With that in mind, here are some common indicators that your partner may have experienced financial challenges in the past, and how you can leverage the best of both of your habits to build a strong financial future together.

Bargain-hunting and frugality

Given the high cost of living, many of us have become good at spotting deals on our regular purchases. However, for someone who has faced financial struggles just to afford the basics, being hyper-vigilant about finding the best deals and discounts was a necessity. They learned to stack coupons, waited until items were on sale, and compared prices across different stores. These habits often persist even when their financial situation improves, as they aim to avoid returning to a state of financial hardship.

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Frugality and cheapness are often mistaken for the same thing. However, frugality is a trait of financially successful people because it involves being smart with money and making intentional spending choices. In contrast, being cheap focuses on minimizing spending at all costs, sometimes sacrificing quality and relationships in the process.

Foster a sense of frugality in your spending choices as a couple. This approach will help the partner with a more challenging financial past feel more confident about their spending decisions, and there are no real down sides to frugality for the partner with fewer financial concerns.

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Stockpiling and saving everything

The fear of not having enough money to buy essential items such as toiletries, food, and household supplies, and the uncertainty of when you might be able to afford them again, can become deeply ingrained during prolonged financial hardship. Even when stockpiling household essentials is no longer necessary, this habit can be hard to break, often resulting in cupboards overflowing with extra supplies.

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Along with stockpiling comes the habit of saving everything. Someone who has experienced long-term financial struggles may develop a strong emotional attachment to their belongings, regardless of their actual value. This can result in closets overflowing with clothes that haven’t been worn in years, kitchen drawers filled with napkins, condiment packets, and takeout utensils, and storage bins packed with toys and items their children have long outgrown. Additionally, there may be a preference for repairing items over replacing them, even when replacement is the more cost-effective option.

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For someone who has always been able to buy what they need, the mindset and emotions tied to stockpiling and keeping everything can be difficult to understand. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and understanding, especially if your partner views buying more of what they already have (such as clothes and shoes) as non-essential spending. For example, purchasing a few modern, reasonably priced clothing items can be balanced by donating good, used items to community resource centres or second-hand stores. This act of generosity can be a way of paying forward the help your partner may have received when they were struggling and can help alleviate internal conflict and guilt around spending on non-essentials.

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Given the deep-seated emotions attached to saving everything, a budget may not immediately win your partner over to giving up this habit. Someone who has struggled financially might view a budget as a restrictive list dictating what they can or can’t spend. A more helpful interpretation of a budget is that it is a spending plan that helps you follow through on your pre-determined choices. With time and honest conversation, your partner will hopefully come to understand that a budget can be a valuable tool, especially if you create it together and include what’s most important to each of you. Knowing that there’s enough money for everything — bills, savings, debt payments, practical necessities, and some frivolous splurges — can significantly alleviate the lingering financial anxiety many feel, even after their circumstances have improved.

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3 Strategies to Manage Money as a Couple 

Finishing every meal and not wasting food

The fear of food scarcity, whether due to financial hardship, supply chain issues, economic conditions, drought, or living through wartime, is a profoundly distressing experience. Anyone who has faced food insecurity is likely to have a strong aversion to wasting food. This can manifest in various ways, such as saving leftovers for future meals, repurposing ingredients before they spoil, not leaving food behind in restaurants, or even hoarding food items.

Given the high cost of groceries, not letting what we buy spoil or go to waste is a valuable money-saving strategy. An even better approach is to buy only what you know you need. Work with your partner to alleviate their memories of scarcity or insecurity by creating meal plans. Use what you already have and take advantage of weekly sales at your grocery store to outline meals and snacks for the upcoming week or month. To prevent food waste, incorporate appropriate storage for larger packages to keep them freezer- or shelf-safe, repurpose dishes for lunch the next day, and plan snacks you can bake or package yourself. With so many storage and repurposing options, you can minimize or eliminate food waste, making meal planning and strategic grocery shopping a frugal choice for both of you.

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The bottom line on overcoming habits from past financial hardship

An appreciation for small luxuries and valuing experiences and relationships over expensive possessions can serve as a powerful reminder of how far someone has come in the face of adversity and can shape financial priorities regardless of their background. Embracing frugality, creating thoughtful spending plans, and maintaining open communication about financial goals and concerns can help both partners feel more secure and confident. By adopting a collaborative approach that leverages each partner’s strengths, you can alleviate lingering financial anxieties, foster a more resilient and harmonious relationship, and build a strong financial future.

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Related reading: 

5 Relationship Red Flags When It Comes to Money

How to Pay Off and Make Joint Debts Work

Hidden Ways to Save On Groceries

Peta Wales is President and CEO of the Credit Counselling Society, a non-profit organization. For more information about managing your money or debt, contact Peta by email, check nomoredebts.org or call 1-888-527-8999.  

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