Restricting a partner’s access to cash or credit is only possible with consent, but there are solutions for couples committed to financial stability
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Q: My partner and I are both in our late 20s and have three kids. I work full-time and she works part-time around the kids’ schedules. Life in almost every way is good for us, except that I can’t convince my partner to stop spending so much money. When we first got together in college, she had student and credit card debt that her parents paid off. About three years later, her credit cards were maxed again. I know she likes nice things and her parents are generous, but we are on our own now. I cashed out some of my savings from before we got together and paid off what she owed. When her credit cards were maxed again, she said it was things for the kids and with some help from her parents, I paid off her bills again. Each time she promised that she’d stick to the budget we created together, but her cards are getting close to the limit again. Paying off her debts is putting me into the poorhouse! How can I get her to control her spending? ~Sheldon
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A: Everyone has their own way of handling money, and it’s common for partners to have different approaches. Even for couples who have great communication, the money talk before getting married or moving in together is often overlooked. This means that differences in spending habits might not come to light until you’re already sharing a day-to-day routine.
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Whether it’s spending too much or saving too much, both can be equally difficult challenges for couples to overcome. While there are long-term implications for both, spending too much and incurring high interest debt has the potential to negatively impact a family’s well-being for decades. With that in mind, here are some things to consider that may help you manage through this situation more effectively.
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Consider your family’s overall spending
In a busy family, one person often takes on the household shopping duties (e.g. groceries, clothing, paying bills, or picking up what the kids need), so rather than criticizing your partner for their spending, have a conversation with them about your family’s expenses. To keep things calm and constructive, start by agreeing on a time to have a money talk. Schedule a time when you’re both not faced with a lot of distractions. If finding time without the kids is hard, you might consider planning a playdate for them or arranging a visit with the grandparents.
When discussing money matters, it’s best to steer clear of confrontation, blanket judgments or dwelling on past mistakes. Instead, set frustrations aside and genuinely seek to understand your partner’s perspective. Keep the conversation focused by sticking to the topic at hand, asking open-ended questions, and avoiding comparisons of spending habits. Remember, the goal is to move forward together constructively.
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How to Start Talking with Your Spouse About Money
Approach the conversation with an open mind because you might learn something surprising from your partner. They could recognize their tendency to overspend but struggle to ask for support in making changes. Maybe they haven’t fully appreciated the connection between their lifestyle choices and their spending habits, or they might feel a bit envious of your ability to set and stick to financial goals. Overspending could also be a symptom of deeper issues like addiction or relationship discontent that may benefit from professional counselling. Everyone has room to grow financially, so starting the discussion with kindness and humility sets the stage for the most positive outcome.
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Determine possible next steps
Once you’ve had at least one money chat and have had time to reflect on what your partner shared, reconvene to determine where to go from here. While your first discussion was about gathering information, the goal for this follow up conversation is to chart a course forward.
Prepare yourselves by doing some research on various budgeting styles, tips to manage money as a couple, strategies to deal with debt, and useful apps that can keep you both aligned financially. Keep in mind that what works for one couple or family might not suit another. Take the best of what you learn and then work together to tailor them for your unique situation.
For example, you may both agree to put all of your credit cards away for a month and only use cash or debit for purchases. To make this easier, you might use three different bank accounts to manage your day-to-day spending, e.g. one for you, one for your partner, and one joint account for shared expenses. However, it’s wise to approach joint accounts with caution, as easy access to extra funds might tempt overspending.
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Joint debt is not 50/50 responsibility; each borrower is 100 per cent responsible for what is owed. As such, any joint loans or credit cards will need special attention so that both of your credit ratings aren’t negatively impacted by one partner’s money management habits.
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Managing separate budgets within one household can be challenging, but some couples find it beneficial for extra accountability. Whether you use one budget or two, one way to make it easier to stick to a spending plan is to allocate “mad money” for each of you within the budget. Mad money is a small sum of cash allocated in the budget for each of you to spend as you choose. How you use this mad money is up to you — it could be spent on small indulgences or saved for a larger splurge without the need for additional tracking.
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If your partner expresses interest in seeking counselling to address their spending habits, it’s important to support and encourage them in this decision. If feasible, consider joining them in the counselling sessions. Dealing with spending addictions or overspending habits can be challenging to overcome alone, and having a supportive and loving accountability partner can significantly impact both your finances and your relationship for the better.
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Restricting someone’s spending ability requires their consent and co-operation
When dealing with a self-sufficient adult who isn’t open to receiving help, it’s important to recognize that there aren’t any simple, legal solutions to restrict their spending. However, if they acknowledge that their credit cards are a temptation, they might be willing to lock them away for an agreed-upon period of time. If your partner isn’t willing to voluntarily give up their credit cards, leaving the accounts maxed out is the only way to prevent further spending, albeit at a significant cost in terms of interest and fees. While this approach can impact your partner’s credit rating and incur expenses, the price might ultimately be worth it.
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Another approach to assist a partner in managing their spending is to provide them with a debit card linked to a specific account. Regularly deposit a limited, predetermined amount of money into this account to help them adhere to an agreed-upon budget. However, it’s essential to have a backup plan in case circumstances prevent you from transferring funds into your partner’s account, ensuring they still have access to cash when needed.
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The bottom line on convincing a spouse to stop spending so much money
When it comes down to it, the only behaviour you truly have control over is your own. It’s crucial to take steps to safeguard yourself, your finances, assets and credit rating, especially if your spouse consistently overspends. By keeping your finances as separate as possible while still meeting the needs of your family, you can maintain financial stability. Set realistic joint goals with your partner and work together to learn new money management skills to achieve them. Your support and encouragement may ultimately play a significant role in helping them change their habits for the better.
Related reading:
10 Tips for Paying Off Credit Card Debt
Commonly Asked Questions About Bankruptcy in Canada
Tips to Manage Money as a Couple
Peta Wales is President and CEO of the Credit Counselling Society, a non-profit organization. For more information about managing your money or debt, contact Peta by email, check nomoredebts.org or call 1-888-527-8999.
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